I am more frustrated right now than I can begin to articulate. Literally, I can’t form words, I just growl and scream.

Over the past few years, there has been significant abdominal pain. I thought it was a hernia, ovarian cysts, adhesions, etc. It easily could have been any number of things. As we have eliminated each possible cause, we are progressively left with less and less that is easily (somewhat) fixed. The leftover possibilities are not pleasant. The lack of answers is simply aggravating as hell. Not going to go into detail at present, not until I have answers. I refuse to sling mud at anyone unless/until I know what the issue truly is.

One of the really big issues I am having is more personal. It’s related to the health stuff, but is a moral/ethical problem. I was a nurse. I know medical professionals have bad days. God knows, I had them myself.

2 years ago I was pretty much staring 100lbs in the face. I refused to step on the scale and see that number. I got serious as hell about losing weight. I slowly took off 46lbs. I didn’t starve, didn’t over exercise. I did it by making better choices, portion control, and gradually increasing my activity. Unfortunately I have put 10 back on over the past 6 months. There is too much pain to keep myself in that much control.

I am tired though. I am tired of the pain, but I am also tired of this garbage defining and dictating my life.

I am overwhelmed at the moment. There are just too many thoughts, problems, tasks that I need to do RIGHT NOW. Today has been tough. It started out well. From the time I picked the kids up it went downhill from there.

I am having a bunch of physical pain. Currently there is a migraine that is just too much. There is also the abdominal pain, the cause of which is possibly known, but not sure. Trying to catch up with surgeon and get a date set. Attempting to get the house semi-clean, as the twins bday is tomorrow, and the party on Saturday. Steve’s parents are coming Friday night through Sunday morning. I have to make a small cake for tomorrow night, and then the larger cakes for Saturday. I have no idea when I will get this all done, or even if I will.

So tired.

Note to self, taking the Adderall at 5, then waking up at 6:30 makes the med work SO much better.

First, I have a product review to do. Cheri at Orglamix sent me 3 of her items, and I can’t wait to try them. The colors are all beautiful. I spent several hours exploring them all, and finally asked her to pick because I couldn’t. You can also check her out on Facebook. If this stuff is half as awesome as I expect, she will have a convert. It is certainly affordable. Cheri was very quick with the shipping, which we all know is a must for online sales.

Today was a mess. I finally got time and money both to have a CT scan that my surgeon wanted me to have. I had one in Nov to rule out kidney stones. However, they didn’t do any contrast. That severely limits what shows up. Today’s had both oral and IV contrast. (A side note for those who have to do this. Pick the banana smoothie flavor. It has much less chalk taste.) Anyway, I have had several area specific CT scans in my life. It’s been since I was 14 that I had one this comprehensive. Apparently it caused an anxiety attack or possibly an allergic reaction. I ended up getting both Ativan and Benadryl by the dr, and then having to sleep there for almost 2 hours. I wasn’t having claustraphobia issues, that much I know. I started with the numb mouth thing after the contrast went in. I got the normal flushed, hot feeling. Then the anxiety, panic, and numbness started.

In studying the films I think I may have found the hernia, but not very sure. I will talk to the surgeon on Thursday.

Part of my resolutions this year was to get my life more organized. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. So far, I am not doing that great. I have detailed plans, but things keep coming up. Today was the extended CT scan, then passing out at home on the couch after picking up the kids. I am slowly getting stuff done. It’s just going significantly slower than I had planned or wanted.

Steve is awesome, as usual. He’s trying so hard to be supportive through all this, yet still manage to work and provide a home that is complete with lights and running water. He is still at work right now, at almost 1am. He came home, took the oldest boy to his boy scout meeting, then went right back to work. We are trying to cull all the stuff we have. We are blessed with a ton of stuff. Unfortunately we just don’t have room for it all. So, the poor man works all day, then comes home to a wife who’s in pain, grumpy, and wanting him to move heavy stuff. He does it with no real complaint, just a sigh, maybe a mutter, and then does what I need.

The boy lost a tooth tonight. It’s about time. His permanent teeth already came in behind the baby ones.

One of those things that no one ever told me was that getting the tooth out from under the pillow and the money in it’s place took stealth and conniving. I knew from my own childhood to expect the need for deception. That part didn’t bother me too much. Let’s face it, parenting is full of lies and half truths. If you have somehow managed to not lie before having children, that honesty track record is coming to a screeching halt at the birth of your first child.

The first tooth fairy assignment went fairly smoothly. Creep in, snag the box, shove a couple of bills under there, and get out. The only real issue was me screwing up and not keeping it secret that the fairy knew how much moms treasure the weird stuff. She found out I had it, and wanted to know more. I told her the fairy took it from her, gave her money, and then stuck it in my jewelry box to keep because it would just be too much for a little fairy to carry all those teeth around. The second, a bit more tricky. The child was hugging the pillow as if she expected a thief to take the tooth and/or money and leave her empty handed. Of course, the trail between door and pillow was littered with papers, a cat, a couple dolls, and some army men. When the girl grows up trying to figure out why she has nightmares of the fairy screaming muttering ugly words and hopping around on one foot, the world will know to reference her back to this. Anyway, I pretty much just shoved the handful of change under her pillow. I then woke her up to get ready for school.

Dad got the joy of the third tooth belonged to her dad. I completely forgot the tooth fairy was supposed to come. I sent Steve to do that one. She had it in a necklace her teacher gives. Steve couldn’t find the tooth, so he just put the money in place and got out. She asked the next morning, and I said she must have decided it wasn’t a new thing anymore and left it.

Tonight, we shall see how the boy does. He’s already asked if he could leave it in a container of water, and if the fairy could swim. WTF, he’s trying to drown the silly bitch? I am sure there will be booby traps to get through.

When I met Steve, I knew I had found someone special, who would play a pivotal role in my life. (actually, he found me, but that is a different story.) What I didn’t know was that through him, I would meet some incredibly amazing people.

About 2 years ago I was fortunate enough to have his ex-girlfriend, Steph, introduce herself to me. I pretty much immediately felt like I had found a soul mate. Whenever I start to lose my sanity, she always stops it. Without fail, she manages to save the day. I haven’t had a friend like that, outside the internet, since jr high and the 3 muskateers days. Along with Steph, comes the amazing generosity and friendship of her other friends. Between them all, I am generally moved to tears and left speechless at the amazing women I have met. I look forward to getting to know her other friends better, and I already cherish every moment of the friendship Steph and I have built.

Nothing is too much for her, not when it comes to being there. She’s the first friend I can fight with and know she and I will patch things up and move on.

I have some amazing internet friends, but I didn’t meet them through Steve. It’s hard for me to be comfortable outside my computer, so moving those friendships into real life is a bit difficult. My friend Sandy seems to tolerate this amazingly well. Even when she gets fed up, she is always willing to keep trying, albeit with a break from me once in a while. without fail, she is there when I need a friend, no matter the time of night or day. hehe Even when I occasionally forget the time difference.

My next post is on family, and how grateful I am for mine. Just wait until you read who I include in that title!

I am LOVING my Dyson. I got it for Christmas from the hubby’s parents. I finally got a chance to open it today, and use it for a bit. You can’t tell I have vacuumed at all in recent months. WOW. That’s all I can say. I haven’t used carpet deoderizor in months, and it picked some up out of the carpet. Just a few feet in the dining room, and I have to empty it. It’s insane, but wonderful.

Also, I have to complain about something. Hubby gave me an awesome laptop last year for Christmas. It’s a Dell Studio 1537 He pretty much got me something he would want. It was the equivalent of an engagement ring from him, and I knew it. I have babied it. It is tough. There has been one issue with it since we got it. The integrated webcam. Currently, the laptop is telling me to connect a webcam to it. wtf? Dell has blown this issue off. When I download new drivers, it tells me there is an error, and it can’t be installed. Isn’t the whole idea behind an integrated webcam that you don’t have to keep up with something, and can be more portable? At this point, I might as well have just gotten a damned desktop and lugged it around. *sigh* Not happy with Dell. This all started with the webcam software causing me to get a blue screen. Dell simply responded with just uninstall the camera. Seriously?

I am actually making a few New Year’s resolutions this year. I have already started on them. I am not expecting miracles from myself, but I plan on gradual changes.

1. Be a better wife
2. Be better mom
3. Be a better housekeeper
4. Exercise of some sort daily
5. Be less of a financial burden

I am currently working on a plan to make those things happen, and will post it when I finish.

Because I need short distractions, and am lusting after these types of things, I am going to do a few posts on things I would love to have. I will also do reviews of things I have tried.